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MY NAME IS TRUMP, KING OF KINGS, LOOK UPON MY WORKS YE MIGHTY AND DES- … STOP LAUGHING, IT’S NOT FUNNY!

Donald Trump is so bad at everything, including manifesting his obvious desire to be a tinpot dictator with tiny hands and a body that is orange when it is naked. Every single thing he does, he says the quiet part loud, like “I AM BEING A SCARY DICTATOR RIGHT NOW,” and everybody is horrified but everybody also laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs and is like “no you’re not.”

For instance, his corona-lingus press conference Monday, which was easily the most ridiculous of all his corona-lingus pressers. He seethed and grimaced and yelled at reporters, and he declared himself king of all the nation’s governors. He is, um, LOL, not that. And everybody knows it.

When the press conference began, you could tell Trump was SO MAD GRRRR. That New York Times article came out this weekend about all the ways Trump has bumblefucked American citizens into an early grave with his mishandling of the coronavirus pandemic, and now everybody knows his administration was warning him way back in January, and he’s too stupid to course-correct and do better, and oh boy, the baby was about to have a MELTDOWN.

You could see the anger in the rhythms of his waddle.

Trump showed a campaign-style propaganda video, presenting a laughable alternate reality where he was just great at confronting coronavirus. You know, as if we don’t know the actual timeline of how bad he was at confronting coronavirus. He whined about all the things he was supposedly doing in January and February, when in reality at the end of February, he was still pretending coronavirus was no big deal and saying it would just wash away like a common miracle. Also he was yelling at a CDC lady, Nancy Messonnier, because he was just pretty sure she was Rod Rosenstein’s sister, therefore DEEEP STAAAAAATE! (She is, in fact, Rod Rosenstein’s sister, guilty as charged.)

The Goebbels-style propaganda video, though, was very bad, as Vox’s Aaron Rupar notes, because it’s supposed to show all the great things Trump did to stop coronavirus, but the only thing in his very video that happens pre-March is his dumb China travel ban. Good job finding that one little thing, Donald!

Sooooooo fuckin’ stupid.

Before Trump played his propaganda video, he played a heavily edited video of journalists supposedly pretending coronavirus was not bad, so we could see who the REAL coronavirus deniers were. (It was Trump.)

There was a video of governors showering Trump with praise, and there was a video of Maggie Haberman saying his China ban was really great, and we feel the need to remind you that this was supposed to be a press conference updating Americans on the coronavirus pandemic, which has killed almost 24,000 Americans to date. There are almost 600,000 confirmed cases, the absolute largest in the world, so many outbreaks, you’re gonna get sick of outbreaks, and that count is lowballing it, because America’s testing regime is bullshit.

Once it was time for questions, the baby got even crankier.

Here is the part where Trump says, “When somebody’s the president of the United States, the authority is total!” in the middle of a fight with a reporter. You see, he is very mad that the governors of the states that contribute a lot to the economy are mostly smart Democrats who embrace science, and they are not likely to go along with his dumbshit obsession with RE-OPENING AMERICA WITH A BIG BANG! on May 1.

“And that’s the way it’s gotta be. It’s total!” said Trump, talking about his imaginary kingly authority.

After that, CNN’s Kaitlan Collins was like LMAO, and Trump did everything in his power (which isn’t that great) to keep from having a screaming tantrum at her

COLLINS: You said when someone is the president of the United States, their authority is total. That is not true. WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
Thank you thank you thank you, Kaitlan Collins, for demonstrating that it is OK to call that shitbag out on his dumb lies in real time! And fucking ONE MILLION BONUS POINTS for the “who told you that?” question, because we all know Trump didn’t come up with this (wrong) notion himself.

TRUMP: Okay — you know what we’re going to do? We’re going to write up papers on this. It’s not gonna be necessary. Because the governors need us one way or the other, because ultimately it comes with the federal government!
Don’t y’all just love how Trump takes zero responsibility for his corona-fuckups when somebody is asking him to do the actual job of president, but when he’s feeling cornered like an angry pooping raccoon, he is suddenly King of Kings, Lord of Lords?

But don’t worry, you guys, Trump is going to “write up papers” on how he has TOTAL AUTHORITY. You bet. Get out your reading glasses, because Donald Trump is going to “write up papers.” Maybe he’ll get that hack Pat Cipollone in the White House Counsel’s Office to write another Diamond and Silk-style lawyer letter about it.

Kaitlan Collins was not finished, because she still hadn’t gotten any answer to her question about who is filling the president’s tiny little silly head with these adorable ideas about his absolute power:

COLLINS: Has any governor agreed that you have the authority to decide when their state opens back up?

TRUMP: I haven’t asked anybody. You know why? Because I don’t have to!

COLLINS: Who told you the president has total authority?

TRUMP: Enough!
Hahahahaha, he said “Enough!” like some kind of dumb naked stupid weenus Wizard of Oz behind the curtain shouting “Silence!” Seriously, just give Kaitlan Collins a Pulitzer right now.

Trump spent the rest of the presser — you know, the part where he wasn’t declaring himself king — shirking responsibility for all his fuckups and lying about ventilators and saying it’s not his fault he didn’t recommend social distancing earlier, because Americans weren’t even dying yet. The buck doesn’t stop with him, ever. He demands worship, but he does nothing to earn it. Funny, that.

But pay no attention to the blubbering glob of shit behind the curtain, because Trump saved “tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of lives!” with his fuckups.
COLLINS: Has any governor agreed that you have the authority to decide when their state opens back up?

TRUMP: I haven’t asked anybody. You know why? Because I don’t have to!

COLLINS: Who told you the president has total authority?

TRUMP: Enough!
Hahahahaha, he said “Enough!” like some kind of dumb naked stupid weenus Wizard of Oz behind the curtain shouting “Silence!” Seriously, just give Kaitlan Collins a Pulitzer right now.

Trump spent the rest of the presser — you know, the part where he wasn’t declaring himself king — shirking responsibility for all his fuckups and lying about ventilators and saying it’s not his fault he didn’t recommend social distancing earlier, because Americans weren’t even dying yet. The buck doesn’t stop with him, ever. He demands worship, but he does nothing to earn it. Funny, that.

But pay no attention to the blubbering glob of shit behind the curtain, because Trump saved “tens of thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of lives!” with his fuckups.

When challenged again on his many fuckups, Trump called CBS’s Paula Reid “disgraceful” and a “fake”:
And here is Trump blaming Obama for taking all the ventilators and burying them in the backyard in Ukraine or something, we dunno, we are getting tired of his whinyass fucking babywhines:
Anyway!

Trump says he is going to re-open the country, and it’s going to be beautiful, and it is going to be just great, and to make this happen, he has created a committee of the “most successful people in their various fields.”

Reminder: This is Donald Trump’s Clownfucker Re-Open The Country Squad:!


This was the worst part of the whole presser, and it came near the beginning, when Dr. Anthony Fauci filmed a hostage video and was forced to pretend he was just being hypothetical when he confirmed to Jake Tapper that if Trump had pulled his thumbs out of his ass earlier, fewer Americans would have died of COVID-19 at this point.


Later on, Fauci claimed (unconvincingly) that he did not make that statement with a proverbial gun to his head. We wish we believed him.

Aaron Rupar, who live-tweets these things, and from whom we steal these videos, notes that this absolute waste of time temper tantrum was three hours and 15 minutes long. You know, in case you wonder if Trump is hard at work doing fucking ANYTHING to keep Americans to die from COVID-19.

Nah, he’s just on the television, trying to get his dick hard for three solid hours.

Sad.

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