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Ghoulish Narcissistic Con Man: “Who Gives A Fuck How Many People Die If My TV Ratings Are Good?!”

by James Schlarmann
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A tubby, ghoulish, narcissistic con man — who somehow managed to get access to America’s nuclear launch codes — held another daily press conference today and continued to express pride in the fact that the briefings are getting good TV ratings. The briefings, which some had mistakenly believed were to help keep the nation apprised of the federal government’s response to the COVID-19, or novel coronavirus, outbreak, have largely become a chance for the bloated, orange, lying D-list reality TV game show host to inflate his ego and accept praise heaped on him by sycophantic lapdogs pretending to be serious adults. But because the tiny-handed dick whistle in chief has a habit of dispensing unlicensed medical advice, false hope, and dangerous pleas to “reopen the country” and its economy, news networks have begun to stop carrying the pressers live.

In a truly unforeseen and uncharacteristic move, the whiny fat bitch cartoon villain in the Oval Office made use of a seldom-chosen means of complaining into the ether, his Twitter account, to express his frustration at having his ego stroke-fests broadcast on live TV.


During today’s briefing, the subject of his TV ratings was still very much at the forefront of what what he calls his “mind.” The binge-farting douchebag in charge of the country continued to bellyache that the “FAKE NEWS ENEMIES OF THE PEOPLE PRESS” were trying to “newspaper coup” him by keeping his coronavirus briefings off the air until they’ve been vetted for lies, bullshit, and hilariously stupid or dangerous statements. But when a reporter asked him if he thought his focus should be more on the victims, especially those who have died from the virus, instead of his TV ratings, the corpulent cockwallet lashed out angrily.

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