Philadelphia, PA – In the most ambitious yet of a series of lawsuits aimed at overturning the results of this month’s election, President Donald Trump’s campaign team today filed suit against Mathematics, informally known to both supporters and opponents as “math.” The representing law firm of Wenn Trooth & Fales commented, “The opposition keeps saying that the numbers don’t lie. Well, guess what – the numbers DO lie; they lie and they cheat.”
The outgoing president elaborated, “I WON!!!!!!! ignore FAKE NEWS.” The team alleges that objections to Trump’s insistence that states “stop the count” and “get rid of the ballots” is the only reasonable response to bad actions on the part of math.
“Counting has long had extremely close ties with math,” they stated. “How can a fair result possibly be based on a process that is entirely dependent on, and in collusion with, the defendant Mathematics? It is patently absurd.”
Addressing the nation via Twitter, their client concurred – “ABSURD FADULAENT AND ABSURB.” He expanded on the rationale behind his choice to litigate during a speech at the Kimmel Center: “Sleepy Joe gets plenty of votes to catch up in PA, but when it’s time for me to catch up in Arizona, somehow the numbers are ‘not enough’ for a win? COME ON.”
Errata: Kimmel Chiropractic. In the parking lot.
Kelly Kuwabara @kuwabarak