By James Schlarmann
April 13, 2021
COUSINLOVER, ALABAMA — Some are calling it a “miracle.” Others are calling it a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. However one chooses to describe it, however, the fact remains that a mass shooting event in Alabama was halted today when some thoughts and prayers were able to get in between a shooter’s finger and the trigger on his AR-15 semiautomatic rifle.
“I couldn’t believe it. One minute I was just absolutely sure that guy was gonna shoot me dead,” Carol Carolsby, a 57 year old local resident, told us via Skype. “He pointed his rifle right at me. I closed my eyes and was getting ready to meet Lord Jesus and St. Peter, and the next thing I know, he’s screaming and shouting about how he can’t pull the trigger, like it was jammed.”
27 year old self-described “fiscal conservative and social Nazi” Matthew Pallumboh had entered into the Piggly Wiggly with a singular purpose — shoot as many people as he could as quickly as possible. Carolsby was the first person he encountered, and she was certain she wouldn’t be the only one to perish that day. But when Pallumboh couldn’t fire his rifle, she ran out of the store and called the police when she was safely across the street.
“I could hear him screaming and shouting about how he couldn’t get the gun to fire,” Carolsby recounted. “He couldn’t figure out why. You might imagine my surprise when we all found out what was happening.”
Eyewitness accounts are that shortly after Ms. Carolsby left the store and called the authorities, more customers started to spill out of the Piggly Wiggly. As they were coming out, someone happened to notice that God was entering the store.
“Oh, hi, Matthew,” God said to the shooter as he entered. “That’s not gonna work for you anymore bud. You’re gun’s been prayer locked and thought jammed. I came down here to let you know, in person, because it’s such a rare thing for thoughts and prayers to do fuck-all, quite honestly. And I’m saying that as the guy who has to read everyone’s prayer-mails.”
Pallumboh was taken into custody and is awaiting arraignment on a host of charges.