By James Schlarmann, April 15, 2021
NEW YORK, NEW YORK — The International Institute of Finding and Labeling Racists has determined that as of the time of publication, Fox News host Tucker Carlson is a “racist twuntsicle.” Thus far, Mr. Carlson has not responded to this development, but IIFLR spokesperson Susan Susanovich briefed reporters on her group’s finding as best she could, with the data she had at her disposal.
“Sometimes it’s shocking or surprising when we are able to confirm someone is a racist. There are many people who are extremely adept at hiding or obfuscating their racism,” Susanovich said. “However, in this case, this is one that we put in our ‘No Fuckin’ Duh’ file, where we keep all the data on obvious racists.”
Citing “literally every word that comes out of his smug mouth,” Susanovich said that Carlson might be the “most obviously racist person not named Donald Trump alive today.”
“Within the last week alone Tucker has spewed replacement theory talking points on Fox News, which has direct ties to anti-Semitic language used by the Nazis,” Susanovich explained. “He spends night after night ginning up and stoking white rage and victimization tropes, creating animus toward immigrants and people of color every time he broadcasts.”
Ms. Susanovich said that determining Carlson’s racist twuntsicleism was a “laughable exercise in going through the motions.”
“Honestly, when we were tasked with determining if Tucker Carlson is a racist twuntsicle, we all laughed,” Susanovich said with a smile, “knowing the hardest part would be proving whether he’s a twuntsicle. The racism thing is self-evident, and part of his brand.”
Susanovich said this is the third time she and her team of researchers have identified Carlson as racist. She believes that the results likely won’t change if she’s asked to verify his racism again.
“Asking us for confirmation that Tucker is racist is like asking us for confirmation that Ted Cruz is a booger eating shitface,” Susanovich said, “or that water is wet, and grass is green. But hey, if people want to keep paying us to confirm reality for them, who’s to stop ’em?”