Donald Trump Has Many Things In Common With Abraham Lincoln. Here Are Just Some Of Them.

In an attempt to stymie their media coup, this outlet has decided to prove, once and for all, that Donald Trump and Abraham Lincoln might as well be the same person. What follows is an exhaustive, thorough accounting of just the similarities between the two that we could find, though we are sure that they are probably billions more to be discovered.

1. Abraham Lincoln had a penis, and according to Stormy Daniels, Trump has something he presents as a penis.
2. Abraham Lincoln issued the Emancipation Proclamation, freeing enslaved black people in the South. President Trump knows Kanye West. Pretty much the same thing.
3. Abraham Lincoln was the first Republican President, and Donald Trump might just be the last.
4. Abraham Lincoln briefly considered a plan to send freed slaves to Africa, and Donald Trump would totally implement that plan today.
5. Abraham Lincoln fought a war against Jefferson Davis, and Donald Trump has a Southern White House like Jefferson Davis.
6. Abraham Lincoln also presumably had testicles, and Donald Trump doesn’t have the balls to stand up to fascist dictators around the world.
7. Abraham Lincoln famously lost an election before eventually becoming president, and Donald Trump lost an election in order to become president.
8. Abraham Lincoln was the 16th president, and Donald Trump can almost count to 16 (with his shoes off).
9. Abraham Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy, and Donald Trump wants to have sex with his daughter.
10. Abraham Lincoln ignored the Constitution and suspended habeas corpus, and Donald Trump has never even heard of the Constitution.