HEAVEN—The CDC now recommends that everyone stay home and avoid going out as much as possible. Despite this, reports are that God is breaking quarantine and going absolutely everywhere.
Hospitals, nursing homes, prisons — wherever He is needed, God is going. He is reportedly visiting everyone and checking on everyone in this time of need and not using any amount of social distancing. God is said to be following the absolute best practices, though, and is at no risk of making people sick but only making people better.
“We have absolutely no control over the guy,” said CDC spokesman Jim Wells, “which is extremely frustrating. We want to remind you, though, that you’re not God, so please stay put in small groups.”
God is also reportedly trying to get people to stop hoarding toilet paper and instead put their treasures in Heaven. Treasures that don’t include toilet paper.