Ben Shapiro: “My Wife Told Me Not to Worry If I Can’t Find Her Clitoris, Someone Can”
By James Schlarmann Ben Shapiro can’t find his wife’s clitoris, and most nights he absolutely refuses to do so. However, according to Mr. Shapiro, his...
‘Let’s Get Twisted, Bitch!’: 31 Slogans Disneyland Tried Out Before Landing On ‘The Happiest Place On Earth’
For decades, Disneyland has been known worldwide as “The Happiest Place On Earth,” but it hasn’t always been that way. Before it opened, Walt Disney...
Local Idiot Thinks Presidents Control Gas Prices
By James Schlarmann BARONTOWN, MISSISSIPPI — Town moron and well-known local idiot Matthew Palumricci admits that he has no earthly clue how, exactly, prices in...
NEW JERSEY MAN OBTAINS RIGHT TO MARRY HIS DEAD MOTHER AFTER AN 8-YEAR LEGAL BATTLE
The New Jersey Supreme Court rendered a controversial judgment this morning, allowing a man from Trenton to legally marry his dead mother. In a split...
Brave, Maskless Patriot Would Rather Be Arrested Than Leave McDonald’s Without His McNuggets
COLD CAVE HILLS, TENNESSEE — At the time of publication, right-wing podcaster and self-described “Mega MAGA Patriot” Jethro Bohiggins is still in a tense, armed...
The Latest Evil Immigrant Scheme: Illegal Aliens Are TEAMING UP To Produce MICRO-ILLEGALS That Are Small Enough To Run RIGHT THROUGH An ICE Agent’s LEGS!
Patriots, you are not safe: EVIL immigrants have come up with another twisted scheme to worm their way into the MAGNIFICENT United States of America....
Protecting The Consumer: Pringles Will Now Require Two-Step Verification In Order To Open Their Cans
Okay, this is a massive win for consumer safety standards. By embracing digital technology, one of America’s most beloved brands is going the extra mile...
SAUDI RELIGIOUS POLICE CRACKS DOWN ON MAJOR PORK SMUGGLING RING: 319 ARRESTS, 27 TONS OF BACON SEIZED
Thousands of police officers were mobilized this morning in Saudi Arabia for a massive operation against a large pork smuggling network, arresting 319 suspects and...
Total Alpha Move: This Man Just Let The AC Repairman Know He Would Have Fixed The AC Himself If He Knew How
Some men are just natural-born alphas, seemingly hardwired in their DNA to step up to challenges and take charge of difficult situations. Here’s a story...