Scientists: Earth Endangered by New Strain of Fact-Resistant Humans
By Andy Borowitz MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life,...
Ben Shapiro: “My Wife Told Me Not to Worry If I Can’t Find Her Clitoris, Someone Can”
By James Schlarmann Ben Shapiro can’t find his wife’s clitoris, and most nights he absolutely refuses to do so. However, according to Mr. Shapiro, his...
UKRAINIAN MAN CLAIMING TO HAVE BEEN VLADIMIR PUTIN’S SEX SLAVE FOR 3 YEARS KILLED IN KIYV BOMBING
34-year old Volodymyr Karpenko, a financial and trade consultant who spent several years in Moscow working for the Kremlin, publicly accused Vladimir Putin in 2021...
‘Let’s Get Twisted, Bitch!’: 31 Slogans Disneyland Tried Out Before Landing On ‘The Happiest Place On Earth’
For decades, Disneyland has been known worldwide as “The Happiest Place On Earth,” but it hasn’t always been that way. Before it opened, Walt Disney...
Don Jr and Eric Are Learning to Count So They Can Take Over as Trump.Org’s Accountants
By James Schlarmann Since he left office in January of last year, Donald Trump’s business has been inundated with legal troubles. Both the State and...
Local Idiot Thinks Presidents Control Gas Prices
By James Schlarmann BARONTOWN, MISSISSIPPI — Town moron and well-known local idiot Matthew Palumricci admits that he has no earthly clue how, exactly, prices in...
Biden’s Told Aides He Wishes Presidents Weren’t Constitutionally Required to Set Gas Prices
By James Schlarmann In recent days, sources close to the situation have reported that President Joe Biden has expressed misgivings about some of the duties...
God Tells Pat Robertson to “Suit Up and Fight for Putin If He Wants the End Times So Badly”
By James Schlarmann March 1, 2022 KINGDOM OF HEAVEN, ETERNITY — This past weekend, fossilized human and retired televangelist Pat Robertson seemed to throw his...
NEW JERSEY MAN OBTAINS RIGHT TO MARRY HIS DEAD MOTHER AFTER AN 8-YEAR LEGAL BATTLE
The New Jersey Supreme Court rendered a controversial judgment this morning, allowing a man from Trenton to legally marry his dead mother. In a split...