WASHINGTON, D.C. — While it’s not clear at this time exactly why Senator Ted Cruz went for a swim in the Potomac river last night, the Texas Republican was spotted having trouble keeping up with the river’s current.
“Are you okay? Do you need help,” the anonymous stranger yelled out, seeing someone thrashing around in the water, but not able to discern who it was. “You look like you’re having a hard time swimming over there! Do you need a life preserver?”
The stranger ran to the river’s edge, to a dock, where Cruz happened to float by. There, he found several life preservers, but just as he was getting ready to heave it toward the struggling Cruz, the senator yelled something out that gave his potential savior pause.
“THIS IS ALL THE FAULT OF THE LIBERAL INTELLIGENTSIA AND CANCEL CULTURE,” Cruz began to shout, “THEY CONSPIRED TO MAKE ME A BAD SWIMMER! THIS IS BECAUSE WE LET TRANSGENDER PEOPLE POOP WHERE THEY WANT TO!”
The stranger’s arm stopped, mid-throw.
“Wait, who the fuck are you, anyway,” the man asked Cruz. “You sound like that pencil-dicked loser who couldn’t even stand up for his wife when the president called her ugly. You sound like that guy who got caught eating his own booger on national TV. You really do sound like that guy who let a bully insinuate his Cuban-born father helped assassinate JFK. Is that you?”
Cruz, though he was still struggling to swim, smiled. It’s no secret that the one thing Cruz loves and feeds off the most is attention. Hearing that someone had recognized him gave him an erection, but unfortunately it was too small for him to either steer his body toward the shore with, or to use as a sort of stilt to bury into the riverbed, holding him aloft with the strength of his trouser turgidity alone.
“HELP ME SIR! AND I WILL MAKE SURE I KEEP YOUR TAXES LOW AND THE MEXICANS OUT OF YOUR KIDS’ TEE BALL LEAGUES,” Cruz implored the man. “HELP ME AND I WILL ENCOURAGE YOU TO STORM THE CAPITOL FOR WEEKS AND THEN PRETEND I DID NOTHING WRONG AFTER YOU DO AND KILL PEOPLE IN THE PROCESS!”
That’s when it hit the stranger. He knew exactly who was speaking to now. He dropped the life preserver and started looking back toward the dock’s parking lot. There, he saw that a large portion of a cement bar placed at the back of a parking space, had come loose.
The man sprinted to the parking lot, picked up the cement chunk, and wrapped a nearby bit of rope he found from a fishing boat around it.
“Here you go, fuck-o! Thanks for the insurrection a couple weeks back,” the man yelled at Cruz has he hurled the cement block into the Potomac. “Save yourself with that, dick.”
Fortunately for Cruz, though the cement block life preserver wasn’t what he needed to stay afloat, just as he’d lost all hope, he found himself entangled in a fishing net. Cruz was brought on board a small boat, and then as soon as he started talking, the anglers hurried him as close to the river’s edge as they could get, and pushed him over, into shallow water. Senator Cruz was picked up by a staffer and whisked away.