Bill Dripp had always wanted to follow in the footsteps of his biggest heroes Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity. Since neither one of them finished college, Dripp dropped out of high school when he was in the tenth grade because he considered it a “bastion of extreme liberalism,” and he couldn’t wait until he started college to drop out of something. After he escaped the throes of his leftist professors, Dripp applied for a job at all the far-right media outlets he could find, such as The Gateway Pundit, Before it’s News and whatdoesitmean.com.

Eventually the Far-Right News Network hired Dripp as a cub reporter and sent him to Portland to cover what he thought was a University of Oregon “coming out” rally for closeted millennials. When he arrived, he encountered not students, but a group of big angry mean looking Antifa protesters.  At first the protesters were civil to him, but then Dripp began asking them questions like “Are you still angry about the 2016 election?” or “Is George Soros funding your rally?” One of the reasons for Drip’s inflated boldness was FRNN’s novel idea of sending members of outlaw biker gangs and far-right militia groups to protect dips like Dripp. As the rally progressed, Dripp started asking more provocative questions such as “Aren’t you glad that we have Trump for president, and not ‘Crooked Hillary?” or “Are you on welfare? Food Stamps? Why don’t you get a job? Did you vote for that loser Obama? Did you know that we now have the greatest economy ever because of President Trump?”

The protesters mostly ignored Dripp until he pushed one of them as hard as he could. The guy barely moved, but Dripp started yelling out loud until the guy’s fellow protesters came to see what was going on. They were just trying to shut him up and remove him from the scene but Dripp started screaming “the pain the pain, oh I’m gonna die!” “Attica Attica…citizen’s arrest, I’m being attacked!” Then the outlaw bikers and right-wing militia jumped into the melee…but instead of defending Dripp, they were punching him in the face and pounding his head on the ground! Dripp kept yelling that they had the wrong guy, but that just pissed them off even more. They were saying things like “You worthless little piece of shit…I’m gonna kick your girly ass!” and “If you open your mouth one more time, I’m gonna permanently shut you up!”

The next day Dripp published a breaking news article in which he stated that he was beaten nearly to death by the Antifa. He said that they were in favor of the New World Order and open borders, mandatory abortions, abolishing the Second Amendment, and allowing only Democrats to be president. He said they wanted to lynch conservatives, burn down evangelical churches and implement atheism as the country’s national religion.

Bill Dripp was fired the next day.

By Kevin Bealer

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