GOD: ‘THANKS FOR THE THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS BUT I’D RATHER HAVE HAD THE CASH’

A somewhat hostile Supreme Being told his followers that the reason their prayers have been falling on deaf ears lately is that he was trying to save up for Coachella tickets.  His preferred invocation would be a check made out to ‘cash’ or a “Debit Card of the Gods” available through Walmart Money Services.

As Our Father explained: ‘In the event of a major disaster, your heartfelt prayers are very touching, but I can’t exchange those for cash at Kroger’s– I can’t even get store credit.  The flowers and stuff are particularly lovely – but is a gift card too much to ask for?’

Unfortunately many of the devout still insist on personalized gifts, ignoring God’s pleas for money towards a mansion like Joel Osteen’s.  Theologians speculate that the Lord may need funds for Yoga lessons or more realistically a ‘booze-filled bender’ at Mar-a-Lago.

God read out one prayer: ‘This one comes from Fernando, age 7. Fernando asks ‘Please God, can my village have clean drinking water?’  Well, no, Fernando, you can’t.  At least not until I crowd-fund enough money for a trip to Las Vegas.

I’m not gonna waste my resources for clean fricking water in some grubby corner of the third world.  It’s Las Vegas – yeah, Vegas baby!  And I’m going to be using up all those thoughts and prayers on the hundred dollar slots!”

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