TRUMP TOWER – President-Elect Donald J. Trump has reportedly assured NJ Governor Chris Christie that, despite recent reports, he has not been banished from his inner circle, and will nominate the Bridgegate behemoth to the Supreme Food Court.
“Mr. Trump decided it would be humorous to have his little “Christie Kreme” (his new Secret Service name, according to insiders) around, so he created the special position just for him,” says Trump’s longtime attorney/bankruptcy expert, David Friedman.
In selecting Christie, 54, The Donald will be bringing in a “yes, I’ll have another” man that won’t clash with his own oversize, portly ego. “I think Mr. Trump wants Christie around just so he can humiliate him,” said Trump’s chief financial officer, Allen Weisselberg, “and he knows he’ll do whatever he says, whenever he says to do it.”
Despite rumblings of a massive falling out between the two, those closest to the president-elect say otherwise.
Jared Kushner, the husband of Trump’s daughter Ivanka, said a Christie nomination would be a wise one, and would produce instant results. “Mr. Christie’s transition from the gravy train to the Trump train was seamless,” he said. “I think he would shake things up and make an enormous impact.”
Stephen Miller, who played a crucial role in Trump’s campaign, including drafting his acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention, says Christie has a “gargantuan-sized heart” and is “the perfect fit” for the new court.
“Governor Christie is not only ‘pro-life’, but he understands the birthing process better than anyone I know,” Miller said, “and as far as the 2nd Amendment is concerned, I’ve seen that guy conceal a .30-06 in the crease of his back fat. Trust me, there’s nothing to worry about.” Miller joked that Christie loves and supports the NRA almost as much as KFC. “He will step up to the plate, that’s for damn sure.”
While often referred to as the “butterball” of the “Grand Old Party Sub,” it appears Mr. Christie’s nomination to the Supreme Food Court is already a foregone conclusion.