by James Schlarmann. Humor/Satire. August 17, 2019
FAIRFAX, VIRGINIA — The National Rifle Association announced plans this week to build a new, gun-themed amusement park aimed at kids called “Gun Land.” Gun Land will feature four unique, firearm oriented lands, much like amusement parks such as Disneyland and Disney World. The lands include Second Amendment Land, Stand Your Ground Land, The Land of the Infringed (where children will see the horrible effects of a country with less than 300 million guns on the street), and Second Amendment Land II (because the Second Amendment is important enough to get two lands.
Wayne LaPierre, NRA Executive Vice-President, told reporters at a press conference on Tuesday that Gun Land has him “most with anticipation” and that “teaching kids to worship guns is the key to securing the republic now and forever.”
“The NRA and its board understands the only way to keep kids safe is to immerse them in a world where guns are literally everywhere,” LaPierre said, “and that’s why we’ve been having seminars in which we teach parents it’s only logical to store firearms in children’s bedrooms. After all, we never, ever, ever, ever hear about gun accidents involving children. So clearly kids have an innate sense of awe, wonder, and proficiency when it comes to guns, and no liberal, jackbooted thug should have the right to tell us that keeping a loaded gun in a kids bedroom is a recipe for disaster.”
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Gun Land will be built in Fairfax, Virginia, the home of the NRA’s corporate headquarters. Several concept designs for rides and attractions were shown. One such attraction is the “Hall of Gun Grabbing Presidents,” which is actually just a shooting gallery where people can take their own guns — Gun Land will be the nation’s second “open carry” amusement part after the creationism museum in Florida — and take pot shots at an animatronic President Obama and there are plans to add Hillary Clinton if she wins in the fall.
Of the rides previewed, LaPierre said that Pirates of the Second Amendment, It’s A Fully-Armed World After All, and the Haunted Rifle are his favorites. Mr. LaPierre also announced that both park attendees and employees would be allowed to carry firearms.
“We don’t see any problems whatsoever with creating an environment where literally everyone has a gun, alcohol is readily available, and children are present,” LaPierre said, “and we defy anyone to find a single, solitary news story about a booze-soaked gun crime. You won’t be able to find any, we’re sure, unless you look to the lamestream, liberal media for them. But can you really trust liberals to tell you the truth? Of course not. You can only trust us.”
The NRA anticipates that the park will hold roughly 25,000 tourists, and they expect scores to flock to the park. Plans are for every concession stand, souvenir shop and ticket booth to sell guns and ammo as well.
“Our guests need to feel as secure and safe as possible,” LaPierre explained, “and we really want them to be able to exercise their high holy Second Amendment rights at a moment’s notice. So that’s why we want to give them every opportunity to buy guns and ammo.
The press conference was temporarily halted when one of LaPierre’s assistants went to answer his phone and accidentally shot himself because he had forgotten he’d purchased one of those guns that look like cell phones. Once the body was cleared from the stage, LaPierre finished the presser.
“The bottom line,” Mr. LaPierre said, “is that while Disneyland may be the happiest place on Earth, we’re going to make this new park the gunniest place on Gun Earth. Because as we all know, guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns guns,” for the next forty-five solid minutes LaPierre kept repeating the word “guns” until his erection became so bulging and turgid he rode it off into the sunset, still repeating “guns” as he drifted out of sight.