CLEVELAND — Local woman and total poser Brandi Herrera could not recall her moon sign yesterday when asked, despite her identifying as a lesbian, according to several very skeptical sources.“When she said she didn’t know what her moon sign was, my world stopped. I mean, this is literally impossible,” said Herrera’s girlfriend Rebecca Barclay, still reeling from the discovery. “We’ve dated for the past four months, so this news is heartbreaking. I thought she was my person… but it was all some sort of sick charade, I guess. Was she just faking her enthusiasm for Harry Styles, too? Can she even name three characters on ‘The L Word?’ Did her beanie mean nothing?”
So-called “lesbian” Herrera was quick to defend her LGBTQ+ scene credibility.
“It just temporarily slipped my mind, okay?” Herrera claimed while frantically trying to download the Co-Star app onto her phone. “When my girlfriend asked for my moon sign, yeah, I blanked — but it doesn’t change who I am at all, which is a Virgo, an INTP, and a proud foster mom to three pugs. That much I know.”
“I’m a tender, communicative switch. I’ve been out since middle school. I have an asymmetrical undercut. Do you even know what Lex is?” she added in a desperate attempt to save face.
Herrera’s family and friends were both shocked and upset by the news.
“How am I going to look my barista in the eye — you know, the one with the short hair — and tell her my daughter is actually straight?” said Herrera’s mother Sandra Caplan while sadly folding up her “I Love My Gay Daughter” sweatshirt. “All my liberal cred just went out the window. It’ll take me days to figure out how to change my Facebook profile photo back from the rainbow flag version. Now I’ll have to find some other excuse to support Pete Buttigieg.”
When asked for a statement on Herrera’s situation, a spokesperson from GLAAD declined to comment on “that fake-ass wannabe.”